2015年4月13日

How to Get a Girlfriend When You’re Autistic 自閉症者要如何交到女朋友?--感謝Sonia Wu吳筱涵翻譯

感謝Sonia Wu吳筱涵翻譯
How to Get a Girlfriend When You’re Autistic
自閉症者要如何交到女朋友?

 The world is full of bright, compassionate, and attractive women—which can make approaching them very difficult. With patience and just a little confidence, you can overcome your shyness and find yourself a girlfriend. This dating advice is tailored for people on the autism spectrum, but other disabled people and neurotypicals may also find it useful.

這個世界上有許多活潑開朗、熱情、有魅力的女性,感覺她們可能很難以親近,但如果有耐心和一點信心,你就能克服害羞,接著交到一位女友。

以下的約會技巧是針對自閉症患者提出的建議,
但同樣也適合其他身心障礙人士或是一般人。

Steps 步驟 1.

Know that there are plenty of girls and women out there who are open to dating autistic people. Many autistic people fall in love, get married, and have kids—so clearly there are women out there who would be interested in dating you.
請了解這世界上還是有很多女性願意跟自閉症者約會。很多有自閉症的人都有過談戀愛、結婚、生小孩等經歷,所以很明顯地,是有女性願意跟你約會的。


Steps 步驟2.
穿著整齊、乾淨的衣服
Look nice. Wear neat, clean clothes that are somewhat similar to things that your peers are wearing. This will help you look like a neat person who isn’t socially out of touch. Hygiene makes you look more appealing to potential girlfriends, so be sure to shower regularly and wear deodorant. To look extra attractive, try figuring out which colors suit you, and wear shirts and sweaters of those colors.

外表整潔。穿著類似的同儕會穿的整齊、穿著乾淨的衣服,這會讓你看起來不會像是跟社會脫節的人。有良好的衛生習慣也比較容易受女性歡迎,所以記得要按時洗澡,有需要時可以使用止臭劑或止汗劑。如果想要看起來更有魅力的話,可以想一想什麼顏色適合你,適合穿著那類色系的襯衫、毛衣。

Steps 步驟3
Recognize that you are desirable. Autism is a neurological difference, not a condemnation of ‘loserdom’. Autistic people in general are loyal, genuine, focused, kindhearted, educated, and original. All of these traits are appealing to women. Let your strengths shine through your actions, and potential girlfriends will naturally be attracted to you.
請相信一定有人懂得欣賞你自己。自閉症是一種神經發展性上的不同,並不是失敗者的代名詞。一般來說,自閉症者有以下特質:忠心、真誠、專注、善良、有教養、不做作,而這些特質對於女性來說是有吸引力的,一旦發揮你自己的特質,未來的女朋友自然而然就會被你吸引。

Steps 步驟4.
Observe how other people treat their girlfriends. Pay a
向有女朋友的朋友們,請教對待女性的技巧。
ttention to their body language and the things they say. Notice what it is that makes people seem loving, respectful, and sweet. If you’re worried about staring at your friends, try watching relationships on TV. Ask people with girlfriends for tips on treating ladies well.

多多觀察其他人如何對待他們的女朋友。注意一般人的肢體語言以及他們的說出來的話,什麼樣的話跟行為是讓人覺得在表達愛意、尊重別人以及體貼的。 如果你擔心一直盯著朋友看不禮貌的話,試著觀察電視節目裡的男女關係。 向有女朋友的朋友們,請教對待女性的技巧。

Steps 步驟5
在你有興趣的社交場所中尋找女朋友
Get to know women/girls. You can make female friends at clubs, activities, and classes. Spend a lot of time listening to them, which will help you understand them and make the two of you feel closer. Look for girlfriends at places related to your special interests (such as robotics club or dance classes). That way, you can bond over your favorite things.

試著去了解女性。你可以透過酒吧、參加活動以及課堂上來結交到女性朋友,花點時間聽她們說話,可以幫助你了解她們以及幫助你們更靠近彼此 。在你有興趣的社交場所(如機器人社團或舞蹈課)中尋找女朋友,這樣還可以和自己的興趣做連結。

Steps 步驟6
Start a conversation. Prepare scripts beforehand if you’re worried about being nervous. Practice the scripts until you feel ready to start a conversation in real life. Here are some examples of things to say.

開啟話題。如果你怕你會緊張的話,先寫草稿,然後反覆練習直到你覺得你已經準備好跟別人聊天了。以下是一些對話的例子:

Introduce yourself. “Hi, I’m ____. What’s your name?” When she says her name, repeat it to yourself in your head so you don’t forget. Saying her name later on will tell her that you remember, and it will make her feel special. You can introduce yourself at the beginning of a conversation, or later on (e.g. “What’s your name, by the way? I’m ____.”)

介紹你自己。「你好,我是_________,請問我要怎麼稱呼你?」然後在心中重複複誦對方的名字,以防你忘記,之後稱呼對方的名字會讓她覺得你記得她的名字、她是特別的。

你可以在聊天一開始就介紹你自己或是聊天快結束時才介紹自己,比如「對了,你叫什麼名字?我是__________。」

 Start with a compliment. “I was really impressed by your improvements to the robot,” “I love your bracelet,” or “Your hair looks nice.” She will most likely thank you, and perhaps return with a compliment. If she does, thank her.

以讚美對方為開頭。「我對你改進的機器人很有印象耶!」她大概會先謝謝你,然後也讚美你,如果她讚美你了,記得也謝謝對方。

Next ask a question like “How was your day?”, “What do the charms on your bracelet mean?” or “Have you got much work to do tonight?” It’s especially nice to ask her questions about the thing you complimented, or about something you have in common (e.g. about her thoughts on the class you take together). She’ll reply, and either go deeper into the answer with you, or ask you a question in return.

接著,可以問個問題,像是「你今天過的怎麼樣?」、「你手環上的符號象徵什麼意思?」、「你今天晚上很忙嗎?」,如果可以問她有關你欣賞的事物或是你們共同參與活動的問題,比如她對於你們一起上的課程有什麼感想?她回應之後或許會更深入地跟你討論,或許也會反問你問題。

Speak when there is a long silence (about 15 seconds or more). 在長時間的沉默時開口說話(沉默超過15秒或更長的時間)

Avoid overwhelming her with questions. Whenever there is a silence, alternate between questions and things about your plans for example: “Last weekend I went to….” or “Tomorrow I’m going…”. This should get her to start asking you questions.
避免用問題轟炸對方。當雙方都陷入沉默時,試著把問題轉換成自己的回答,比如說「上個禮拜我去了........」、「明天我要.......」,這也可以讓對方開始問你問題。

Let her do most of the talking. Many psychologists recommend the 70/30 rule: spent 70% of the time listening, and 30% of the time talking. This helps your conversation partner feel appreciated, and makes her want to talk to you again. If you find that you’re doing over half the talking, slow down and give her room to speak.
大部分的時間讓她講話。許多心理學家會建議運用70/30法則:花70%的時間傾聽對方,30%的時間說話,這會讓你聊天對象覺得你欣賞她,也會讓她願意下次再跟你聊天。如果你發現超過一半的時間都是你在講話,試著放慢速度、給對方講話的機會。

Steps 步驟7
If you do something strange, explain to her that you are autistic and sometimes don’t pick up on social cues. If you think you upset her, then apologize. She may already have known that you were a little different, but not wanted to ask about it for fear of being rude.
如果你覺得你做了什麼奇怪的事,試著向她解釋你有自閉症,有時候不太懂社交互動,如果你覺得你惹她生氣了,向她道歉。其實她有可能已經意識到你有點不一樣了,只是基於禮貌,她不敢提出來而已。

Explain the most relevant points of your disability, especially if she might misinterpret important signals. For example, if you have trouble recognizing social cues, you may want to explain that she should clarify before assuming that you don’t care about her. If you have trouble recognizing faces, tell her, so that she knows that you didn’t wave because you didn’t realize it was her.

解釋你不擅長的事項中最相關的部份,特別是她有可能會錯誤解讀的一些行為,例如:你不善於社交暗示,你可能想要跟她解釋她應該在她認為你不在乎她之前就要說清楚。如果你有記不得人臉的困擾,請告訴她,讓她知道你遇到她不打招呼,是因為你認不出她的臉。

Offer to answer any questions she has to the best of your ability. If she’s especially curious, point her to autistic-written resources from organizations like ASAN and the Autism Women’s Network.

盡量回答她任何的疑問。如果她特別好奇,可以請她上網搜尋「幫助高功能自閉及亞斯柏格」等自閉症相關網站 。

Neurotypicals tend to feel awkward when people mention disabilities. If she starts looking away or stuttering, she is probably a bit uncomfortable. Ask her if she feels uncomfortable, and if there’s anything that you can do to ease her mind. 一般人在對方提到自己有障礙時,通常會感到不自在,如果她開始左顧右盼或嗯嗯阿阿時,可能是她覺得有點不自在,你可以詢問她是不是聽到這個有感覺不舒服,然後你可以問她怎麼做,以幫她減輕不舒服感。

Most neurotypicals will react with support, confusion, or curiosity. However, if she responds badly, don’t take it personally—it is her ignorance that is the problem, not your autism, and you deserve better than someone who doesn’t respect who you are. You are fundamentally okay.
多數的一般人可能會表現出支持、疑惑或好奇的態度。但如果她的反應很糟糕,千萬不要往心裡去批判自己,真正的問題並不是你的自閉症,而是她的排斥跟不了解,你值得被喜歡跟尊重,因為基本上你還是一個完整的人,沒有什麼大問題的。

Steps 步驟8
Watch her body language to see if she’s interested in you.
觀察她的肢體語言來看看她是不是對你有興趣

If she smiles at you, touches your arms or torso, and talks a lot about her life, then she probably enjoys your company and considers you potential dating material.
如果她衝著你笑、觸碰你的手臂或身體,或者講很多有關她的生活,那麼她可能是喜歡跟你在一起的感覺,而且考慮跟你交往。

If she usually gives short answers to all your questions, doesn’t say much to you, and leaves before you get the chance to talk to her much, then she’s probably not interested. It’s better to back off and find someone else.
如果她常常都簡短地回應你的問題,對你並沒有說太多,而且在你想要更深入跟她聊天前就離開了,那麼她可能對你不是那麼有興趣,最好不要再進一步,請轉移對象。

If you can’t tell, ask a friend if they think she likes you. Friends can offer valuable insights, and many of them feel pleased that you trust their judgment. This is a very normal thing to do when you have a crush.
如果你分辨不出來,可以試著問身旁的朋友她是不是喜歡你,朋友通常都有值得參考的觀點,而且朋友也會對於你信任他們的觀點而感到開心,如果你有喜歡的對象,詢問朋友的意見是一件很不錯的事。

Steps 步驟9
Say hello whenever you see her. After a few conversations, you might want to arrange a meeting outside of the club/school/wherever you met her. You could invite her to movies, restaurants, events, gatherings of friends, et cetera.
不管什麼時候看到她都跟她打招呼。在聊過幾次天後,你可能會想要單獨約她出去,你可以邀請她去看電影、吃飯、看展覽/活動、跟朋友聚會等等。

Steps 步驟10
Continue building your relationship.
你們的關係需要透過溝通來建立

Ask her for advice and opinions. Many people love to share their thoughts, and they especially appreciate it when you listen to them and remember what they say.
詢問她的意見或看法,很多人喜歡分享他們的看法,而且如果你願意聽他們說話並且記住他們所說的,他們通常也會很開心。

Don’t be afraid of your quirks. Your stims, special interests, and idiosyncrasies are part of who you are. A girl who cares for you will find them sweet and unique.
不要害怕你有奇怪的行為舉止。你特別的行為、興趣和個人特質都是你的一部分,喜歡你的女生會覺得這些行為很可愛而且很特別。

Find areas of mutual interest and talk about those. If one of those is a special interest of yours, don’t be afraid to delve into it! Your passion and expertise may pleasantly surprise her. Simply follow the general rules of politeness: don’t monopolize the conversation, and let her change the subject if she wants. If you do that, you’ll be just fine.
多接觸、多聊聊不同的興趣。如果你發現有特別吸引你的,不要害怕太過投入,你的熱情以及專業可能會給她一個驚喜,但不要忘了大原則:不要自顧自的一直說,也給她有轉移話題的機會,做到以上這兩件事就可以了。

Most of all, just be sweet. What every girl wants is just a kind, caring boyfriend. If you treat her well, she will be all yours
最重要的是,要體貼。女生想要的是一個溫柔、在乎自己的男友,如果你好好的對待她,她就會成為你的女友。

Steps 步驟11
Next comes officially asking her out. While she may ask you out, many girls follow the tradition of letting the guy doing the asking. If she has been flirting with you, take her to somewhere semi-private and tell her that you like her as more than a friend.
再來就是正式的邀請她跟你約會。她可能會主動找你出去,但大部分的女生比較喜歡讓男生來開口約她們,如果她已經跟你曖昧一段時間了,你可以帶她去不是那麼多人的地方,然後跟她告白。

 Steps 步驟12
Remember to give her space. Everyone goes through a period of infatuation where they can’t get enough of the person they like, and this can be especially true of autistic people. Remember that she needs to spend time with her other friends and solitary activities, so don’t crowd her if she’s busy or not interested in talking at the moment.
記得給她一些個人空間。每個人都有一段時間對自己喜歡的對象特別黏,尤其是自閉症者,但請記得她需要一些跟她朋友相處的時間、單獨活動的時間,所以當她忙或是不想聊天的時候,不要強迫她。

Before approaching her, look for signals that she’s open to conversation. If you can’t tell, ask her “Is now a good time to chat?”
找她之前,可以先看看她是不是有聊天的意願,如果你看不出來,可以問她「現在可以跟妳聊聊天嗎?」

 If she’s hanging out with her friends, don’t join the conversation unless she beckons you over, the conversation pertains to you, or there is a lull in the conversation.
如果她和她朋友在聊天,不要加入她們,除非她邀請你加入,或是她們在聊有關你的話題,或者她們停止聊天了。

Let her initiate some of the conversations. This helps prevent you coming off as clingy. Trust that she’ll come to you.
試著讓她找你聊天,這會避免你太黏或是太頻繁的找她,要有信心她會自己來找你的。

 Steps 步驟13
Tell her that you appreciate her. Go out of your way to give her gifts, compliment her, spend time together, and cheer her up when she’s feeling down. If you treat her like the most wonderful girl in the world, she’ll believe it, and she’ll love being your girlfriend.
告訴她你很欣賞她。送她禮物、讚美她、花時間陪她、當她沮喪的時候鼓勵她,如果你對她像是對待一個世界上最棒的女生,她就會相信她對你來說是最棒的,而且她也會很樂於當你的女朋友。

Tips :
If you don’t know if she’s single, you can ask “So are you seeing anyone?” This is a common question that will tell you if she’s available and hint that you might like her.
如果你不知道她是不是單身,你可以問她「你現在有固定約會的對象嗎?」這是一個很稀鬆平常的事,而且可以看得出來她是不是有想要交往的意願,同時也向她透露你或許喜歡她。 (我個人建議說:「你週末/今天晚上/這個假日怎麼沒有跟男友去約會?」)

Be quick to apologize if you upset her. Explain why you did what you did, and express that you’re sorry you hurt her. Ask what you can do to make it up to her and avoid doing it again. This communicates that you care about her, and it’s the fastest way to make her forgive you.

如果你惹她生氣了,請直接道歉。解釋你為什麼這樣做的原因,同時也表達你對於讓她難過很抱歉,問她你可以用什麼方式來彌補,避免下次再犯同樣的錯誤。這樣可以表現出你是在乎她的,而且也是她原諒你最快的方式。

Ask others for advice on finding girlfriends. Many people are eager to help and offer their expertise.
向其他人詢問找女友的建議。很多人都很願意幫忙而且提供他們的意見

It’s natural to feel nervous before talking to or asking out a girl. Remember that many people (autistic and neurotypical) feel that way, and yet people continue to get married and have children all the time. Clearly a little nervousness won’t prevent a relationship from occurring.
跟女生講話或約她們出去而感到緊張是一件正常的事。不管有沒有自閉症都一樣會緊張,但大家都還是可以結婚、生小孩,所以很明顯一點點緊張是沒有關係的,不會阻礙男女關係的發展。

Ask a sister or a close female friend for advice. In many cases she can talk to your crush and find out if she likes you back. If she doesn’t know your crush, she can still offer general advice on what ladies are looking for in relationships.
請教你的姊姊、妹妹或是親密的女性朋友。很多時候,她們可以跟你聊聊你喜歡上的女生,然後那個女生是不是也喜歡你,如果她們不知道你有喜歡的人,她們還是可以針對找女友這件事提供一些大方向的建議。

Consider finding an autistic girlfriend, especially one who shares your special interests. You may have a lot in common!
可以考慮找一位也有自閉症的女朋友,特別是跟你有共同興趣的。你們可能會有很多共同點!
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